Paternity Power

My husband calls this column my "women's article". He has received the impression that my subject matter is geared more toward women and less toward men. Well, in honor of Father's Day, Sweetie, I'll make an exception for you.

My mother and her two younger sisters grew up without a father, for much of their childhoods. Their father died in a car accident when they were very young, and their mother got a job at a time when most mothers did not work, in order to make ends meet. They all three attended college and have been successful adults. When majoring in Sociology, I always read there are no known societies that are truly matriarchal. I always thought proudly, "These professors have never met my family!"

However, just because my family survived the death of their primary breadwinner and mainstay doesn't mean it was easy. Many stable fathers provide emotional comfort, financial provision and physical protection for their families. They shoulder huge responsibilities for themselves and others. In short, fatherhood is difficult.

Expectations of fathers have shifted dramatically during the past century. We have moved from a time when most households were single-income to a time when most are dual-income in a country with nine-percent unemployment. In this difficult economy, many hardworking fathers, whether married, widowed, single or divorced, are often not able to provide financially in the way they might wish.

Fathers who are present in their children's lives face a great deal of pressure, not only financially, but emotionally, as well. Encumbered by multiple responsibilities, many fathers find it difficult to make quality time with their children a top priority. Fathers who don't play with their children enough are called "distant". Fathers who play with their children too much are called "indulgent" or "poor disciplinarians". Fathers who take a lot of interest in their children's upbringings are termed "sheltering" or "overprotective". Fathers who are more hands-off are labeled "emotionally absent". Although to an extent, parenting is always a balancing act, these conflicting expectations often leave perfectly adequate fathers feeling like failures.

Fathers are often held to a double standard by their employers. While many women receive maternity leave, too many dedicated fathers are unable to spend enough quality time with their newborns, due to the demands of their jobs. Our society often ignores the emotional needs of fathers, who usually aren't even invited to their wives' baby showers. The United States wants men to be "masculine" and "sensitive", "aggressive" and "gentle", "stoic" yet "emotionally open". It's no wonder so many men relate to Miller Lite's "Man Laws"; finally, clear expectations!

Many fathers are not given credit for the ways in which they support their children and the mothers of their children. Working two or even three jobs, obtaining hard-to-come-by health insurance for their families, doing household chores and providing childcare are only a few of the ways in which men give their lives for their families.

So, here is a poem in a "women's article", saluting you fathers out there who are as wonderful as my daughter's father.

My dearest husband
Father of my child
Gilder of every joy
Balm for every hurt
Comforter in every dark hour
Darling friend
Your judgment allows me rest.
Your diligence, my security.
Your innocence, my guide.
Trustworthy, you have taught me to trust.
Faithful, you have taught me to depend.
Loving, you have taught me to love.
Delighting in our child,
You are a revelation of God's fatherhood.