Degree Guilt

Definition: The feeling you get when someone asks you what you do and you say, "I'm a Stay-at-Home-Mom" and yet you know you have a college degree and maybe a masters degree that you used to do something with, but not anymore, and maybe you should be doing something with it, because, after all, that degree was really expensive and time-consuming and difficult to earn, and maybe you have an obligation to use it for the betterment of society, especially if your degree was in social work, like mine, I mean, what about all the poor and mentally ill and orphaned people that you thought you'd be helping, but instead it's just this one little baby, and will I ever be able to go back to my career or will I lose my edge, and am I doing the right thing, and what will other people think about the fact that I was blessed with all this education that many people don't get to have, and here I'm using it to change diapers and feed this child mashed peas, and I really didn't need to get a degree for that, and I'm not making any money, so does that mean I'm not contributing to society in a way other people will think is meaningful, I mean, I'm not really contributing to this recessional economy, but I do clip coupons, so maybe I'm a recessionista after all, because even if I'm not making money, at least I'm saving money, and I'm leaving a job open for some other person to get, and I'm sure their kids will appreciate that, and does this little baby really know what I've sacrificed to stay home with her, a job with a salary and benefits, no she doesn't, she just cries anyway, so maybe I'll go back to work, because, after all, there's nothing wrong with daycare, because kids learn to socialize with other children, and even though they are more likely to get ear aches, at least they learn their colors and learn how to share, something my baby definitely doesn't know how to do, no, I'd miss her too much, and I might miss her first word and her first crawl and her first step and her first temper tantrum over that sippy cup she hates and I might not know she hates that sippy cup, because I wouldn't be here, I'd be helping vulnerable populations instead of one little baby, and I might be too tired to rock her to sleep like I really mean it and teach her that sheep really say baaah, and dogs say "buff buff" in that Swedish children's book, and that would be really sad, because then she'd never know, she'd never really know, she'd never really know that I was the one who taught her that, and I don't want to miss her babyhood, because it will go so fast.

You Know You're a Parent If ... (Besides the Obvious)

1) You could repeat the entire script of the movie, Milo and Otis ... in Dudley Moore's charming London accent. Bonus points if you have ever changed the language setting of Milo and Otis to Spanish, even though you are an English-speaker, to prevent a suicide attempt. ("... ¡Eso fue divertido!"/"¡Meelo! ¡Ven aquí!")

2) You can distinguish between 12 subtly different newborn baby cries, and know what each one means. Bonus points if you have ever heard someone else's newborn baby crying at the grocery store and looked down only to realize you were lactating in public.

3) You get as excited about the words "childcare provided" as you used to get about the words "no cover charge". Bonus points if you think "no cover charge" means "free diapers".

4) When with other adults, instead of discreetly excusing yourself to go to the restroom, you loudly announce "I have to go potty!" and exit the room.

5) When watching Dora the Explorer reruns, you can distinguish between the voices of Kathleen Herles and Caitlin Sanchez, have nightmares about both, and secretly hope Sanchez loses her lawsuit against Nickelodeon. Incidentally, why is she always YELLING?!

6) Throughout the day, you find yourself singing the song "If Elmo Had Teeth" (which can be found at www.sesamestreet.org). Bonus points if you know the words to "Elmo Si Tenia Dientes" or Sesamstraat's "Had Elmo Een Gebit".

7) You forked out the cash to buy an iPhone specifically to keep your child entertained while in the shopping cart, in the checkout line, at the movies, in the car seat, at the doctor's office, at restaurants, in the high chair, and on the potty.

8) The only things that get you through most days are French fries and prayer.

9) You can't remember what you ate for supper, whether you ate lunch, whether you were awake to eat breakfast, where your child put their homework, where your child left their lunch money, where you stuffed that dirty diaper in your car two weeks ago, the last time you pumped, the last time you had a cigarette, the last time you went to the bathroom by yourself, the last time you had "alone time" with your significant other, how to count, how to spell, and where you put your keys (which were probably the only things raptured on May 21st).

11) You're so sleep deprived you can't properly count to 12.

13) You wouldn't trade anything for your child(s).